Unnamed Foreign Intelligence Sources

Tisk Tisk. The Chaldeans shake their heads with "we told you so" again. Back when what you call the Middle East was ours, there were no problems with this small country or that small country because it was all one and all the dates and fig trees and camels were ours. And we were generous and kind and had no problems with your crazy religions that tell you that you should blow things up. We know what can happen when you are in the hot sun too long, but if you want to blow things up we had special mailboxes in Chaldea for that purpose.

So why not let us call our King Nebuchadnezzar 279th and let us come back and take care of what you call the Middle East again. The first thing we would do is take away the silly borders and make it all one country under our King. Everyone loves our King, and his diverticulitis is much better now, thank you for asking. Then we would take away all of their bombs and rockets and tanks and guns and eating utensils and instead give them the sporks of peace. We must then change the names of all of the towns and countries to be things like Happyville and Pleasant Town and Valium Land. Then we would put prozac into the water supply for everyone, and change their religion back to worship the Old Gods in the way that is proper and show you the real ways before they had these silly books that people read the wrong way.

You will know that these things are best and then you will let us go back to our homeland and do things the right way. Someday you will learn.

Posted by Hecate at 07:05 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

People are upset with the Americans W President because he said a naughty word to his friend the Somewhat King of England, the Anthony Blair. They are running in circles and becoming upset because the W President said this word. We Chaldeans laugh at this very much. Given the ways of the W President, the Americans should be very happy that their president was able to say any words at all.

What we Chaldeans are upset about is that the W President eats like a cud chewing cow who was thrown out of the barn for being too much like a pig who belongs in a pen for pigs. His mother, the Barbara woman, should have been very upset to see her son with food falling out of his mouth as he tries to speak his naughty words. From what Chaldeans have seen of the Barbara mother, she would never eat in this manner, bringing shame upon herself and her family for generations.

We do know that sometimes the world laughs because the W President is more like, how do you Americans call them, "Bubba" from round the bend, or North Virginia, or something like that. It makes us wonder why you voted for one that way. But then we remembered. You did not vote for him. The Diebold voting machines did. And even then they did not win in a real way. Perhaps he was having dinner with those who made the choices, but they were too upset with his way of eating that they had to go and he was the only one left so he became President.

Someday you will learn.

Posted by Hecate at 07:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The people in your W Administration who are responsible for making the stories for the press, must be the same as the people who wrote the very funny Chaldean play Monty Python and the Holy Grail. We have been watching and wondering for a long time, but now we finally know that it is true.

We figured out this truth a little bit last month when the W Administration caught 7 evil people from Miami who wished to blow up the tower of Craftsman Tools in Chicago. These were the silly men who swore their undying loyalty to a man in a bad bathrobe who called himself a Mullet, or was that a Mullah or something like that. Then today we found that the W Administration people caught people who wished to blow up tunnels in New York.

"Ah HA!" we said, and nodded to each other. This is the same person who wrote of the brave Sir Robin who nearly fought the Chicken of Bristol, and who almost won many other battles. The W Administration nearly thwarted plans by people who could never carry out those plans because they are too stupid to even ask the Tom Tom in their car which way to the Craftsman Tower or to the smelly tunnel of New Jersey.

Someday you will learn, but only if you nearly go to school and almost get an education.

Posted by Hecate at 12:03 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Now with your friend the Kim Jong Ill who comes again to dump his manly parts in the Sea of Japan. Again we from Chaldea tell you that history repeats itself very much, and that you in America still will not learn about this history so that you can stop from repeating it, but we have told you this before and you still make yourselves dizzy. But what can we do besides tell you again?

Now, with this Ill man in North Korea. It is clear that he makes missiles fly towards the west because he has a small manly part. It is more clear that now they are selling Viagra in North Korea because Rush Limbaugh was caught with some, so he gave them to his friend Kim Jong Ill. This is why, instead of one missile, the Ill man sent 7 missiles because before he could only manage one. Why else would he call it "No-Dong?" However, because this Viagra came from China, and because China steals intellectual property, the formulation was bad, so the biggest and manliest of the Kim Jong Ill manly parts missiles went sputter and did not perform as well as the bragging of the Ill man. This is a very common thing where men who are not Chaldean brag very much, especially in the saloon, to the woman who is wearing much make up. Unlike the woman in the saloon, the Sea of Japan was not drunk and was therefore not very impressed at the premature sputtering and following flaccidness of the formerly manly missile.

So do you understand yet? Do not do these bad things. Only purchase your Viagra from the actual manufacturer and not from the Chinese intellectual property thieves who then resell to those with small manly parts who make missiles. Someday, you will learn.

Posted by Hecate at 09:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)