Unnamed Foreign Intelligence Sources

For all you who were asking about the origin of the trees so many of you kill and put up for Jesus, you must know that long before the Pagans decorated trees for their so many Gods we become dizzy at the thought, we Chaldeans began decorating trees for the celebration of the birth of our King Christopher the Tolerant. In Chaldea we did not have so many trees, so we did not chop them down and drag them to our homes as your deer hunters do with dead creatures to show the prize to all who look. Instead, we would decorate them as they were found. They looked like THIS:

We very much love our Chris-Tmas trees. So you American Christian types stop whining about it being YOURS and you are being discriminated against when you stole it from US, the Ancient Chaldeans. Imagine how King Christopher the Tolerant would feel NOW? His descendent Ron Popeil put it this way, "Just buy my ancestor's products like 'The Clapper' and I don't care what you call the damn tree."

We knew that the lovely Chris-Tmas trees would be taken down in the Seattle Airport as soon as someone found it was a symbol of Ancient Chaldean holiday worship. That it was because of a complaint by a descendant of one of the slaves we had in ancient times is not even surprising because even after King Christopher invented baked beans for them, they were still grumpy and unhappy. But to have Christians complain that taking the trees was an insult to THEM is just as silly as watching your Chia Pets grow. We will not allow them to steal OUR insult!

Someday you will learn!

Posted by Hecate at 03:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Now many Americans are asking us to please tell them more of our great King Christopher the Tolerant who is the founder of Chris-Tmas, the holiday stolen from us that you spend so much money in celebrating. So we will tell you here about him.

King Christopher was very tolerant. He allowed worship of all Gods so long as they were from Chaldea. This made all of the Chaldeans very happy. King Christopher was well loved by all of the Chaldeans, perhaps except for the slaves that we took from Babylon, but they were never happy anyway and always complained about the food. King Christopher became upset that the slaves were always complaining, so he invented baked beans which made them happy until they found there was salt pork in them. This began the idea of having baked beans with salt pork and some without.

It is also amusing that today's "Christmas" traditions include the television commercials for "the Clapper" where you clap your hands and turn things on and off. This was also, by no coincidence, invented by King Christopher. He would clap his hands and the slave appointed to turn things on and off would rush to do this. If the slave was not fast enough, he would not receive his baked beans. Since baked beans looked much like coal in our time, this began the tradition of coal in the stocking when you are bad.

Please let us know if there are more questions about King Christopher.

Posted by Hecate at 02:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You Americans are so funny. Your group you like to call the Radical Right with its made up "War on Christmas" is very funny to we Chaldeans who actually INVENTED Christmas, which was stolen by these Christians in their own war. So your funny attempt to force people to say "Merry Christmas" instead of "Happy Holidays" makes us laugh very much, as you are not showing everyone how Christian you are, but instead telling them to become Chaldean. We shall explain so your American brains will know.

The time you now call December 25th, in olden olden Chaldean times, was known as Chris-Tmas. It was the celebration of the birth of our King Christopher The Tolerant in 2500 BC. Tmas was much like Tsar, the whole thing pronounced as "Kris muss" as you Americans pronounce YOUR holiday.

So, when your Christians decided to convert everyone and deny their Chaldean heritage, they took the true birthday of their Jesus which was in April, and decided it would be a bad idea to have two holidays in the same month for him because that would be very greedy. Your Savior cannot be seen a Greedy, because that was the other guy that none of you like. So what was the best way to make all those already celebrating Chris-Tmas, and Saturnalia and Yule and all of those other evil Pagan celebrations continue to celebrate, just CALL it something else....and say they're ACTUALLY celebrating the birth of their Jesus. So they can party just like in olden times, but must put up a fake barn with a baby in it and everything is now Christian.

2000 years later, people have forgotten Chris-Tmas, and Saturnalia, and Yule, even though they kept the traditions of Pagan Trees and Yule Logs, and giving gifts, and peace and tolerance of King Christopher the Tolerant.

So every time you make people say "Merry Christmas" remember the truth. The Christian Jesus was born in April, and you are actually wishing a happy celebration of King Christopher the Tolerant, ruler of Chaldea.

Someday you will learn.

Posted by Hecate at 12:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)